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BFF or Not
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Dear Liz, |
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| This is such a tough position to be in, A good friend of mine’s (I’ll call her “Anne”) boyfriend/fiancé has been spending a lot of time with my sisters best friend. He has no idea that I know this girl. The other day I learned they were going away for a weekend together. When I spoke to my friend she told me her fiancé would be working all weekend did we want to hang out. I don’t want to get in the middle, I wish I didn’t know this. |
| What would you say to do Tell her, stay out of it, I don’t know. |
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 n8nally |
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Posted : 8/30/2010 9:39:35 AM |
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| I am having a really hard time dealing with an issue with my best friend and I am desperately seeking any help or advice, either on how to fix this situation, or how to let go. I apologize in advance for the length of this e-mail. I am a writer and I always have a lot to say. Since this is such an important issue to me, I fear I won't be able to condense this very much.
Andie and I met about three years ago at the dance studio where our daughters dance. Her daughter, Jenna is four years older than my daughter Anissa, but because Anissa is very verbal, mature and generally advanced for her age, she became very close with Jenna and Andie and I became friendly. I also have a son, Mark who is Jenna's age, although at the time, he was not dancing, so they didn't know him well.
About a year ago, Andie and I experienced a change in our friendship. We were casual dance mom friends, with maybe a phone call every few weeks and mutual attendance at a group event (the dance studio regularly goes to dinner and movies together etc.). While I was always happy to see her, we never ventured into any deep topics or shared many intimate details with each other. Just casual chat while waiting for our daughters to get out of class.
Well, I guess she saw something in me she liked, because she reached out to us and began calling and inviting me to go to dinner or a show with her and Jenna. Scheduling didn't allow this at first, but since I saw something special in her too, I eventually made time to go to dinner, just Andie and Jenna, Anissa and myself. This dinner proved to be a life changing event for me. We ended up sharing VERY private and personal stories of our childhoods and our shared sexual abuse as kids. She also told me about how her ex-husband had sexually abused Jenna and about their divorce. We talked religion, politics, everything. We stayed out until very late just talking and talking while our daughters played. It was easily a six or seven hour affair. She seemed so happy to get to know me.
I went home that night elated. I felt I had finally found that special friend I had always longed to have. And it seemed very mutual. Like Anne and Diana in Anne of Green Gables. My "bossom friend"! Two days later, we again got together and went to dinner, this time with my son as well, and ended up doing the same thing we'd done two nights before. We stayed out talking and talking. The three kids got along wonderfully and we were able to talk about our common family circumstances, with her caring for her aging Mom and me doing the same with mine. We commiserated about having our elderly and ill mothers living with us and so many other things (both living in Florida but being New Yorkers still, our opinionated ways and our similar upbringing). Again, I was beyond ecstatic at having found her. I actually wrote her an e-mail to that effect that day when I got home. I use words to express myself a lot and tend towards wordiness. I'm also very passionate, and when I love, I love hard and fast and deeply. Her response to my e-mail was much shorter, but equally passionate and I felt like we were totally on the same page.
At this point we became inseparable. Every weekend was spent swimming, eating out, going to movies or participating in some other recreation with the kids (bowling, mini-golf, you name it). We talked on the phone every day, sometimes for hours and hours. Our kids became close with Jenna texting Mark every day as well. It seemed very mutual at the time, with her calling me just as much as I called her, and her initiating the invitations as often as I did. This was a wonderful six months for all of us, I think. I made no bones about considering her my best friend, and lavishing her with words of kindness because that's how I am, and because I like hearing them in return. She has always been less emotional, less wordy and less sentimental than I am, so she would often reciprocate a long "love" letter (really just me thanking her for being there for me when I had some issue or other, or me sending her an ecard to brighten her day or fwding a friendship poem or some other similar thing) with a "ditto", but I still felt we were on the same page. With her wanting to get together often, I didn't feel the need to worry about her lack of verbal affirmation for me as her friend. I am very, very insecure about these things, so inside I was panicking and wondering if she just didn't care for me as much as I cared for her, but I tried always to talk myself out of it and not say anything to her directly, knowing full well what my weaknesses and personality flaws are. My insecurity is really my issue, not so much hers. Although I was always upfront with her about my having this problem. I was always clear to tell her "I know I am very insecure and I know you haven't done anything for me to feel this way, I just am. Please understand I am aware of my issues, and if you feel so inclined, giving me a word or two of reassurance from time to time would be very nice." (What I was looking for was her saying something small like "I appreciate having you in my life" or "You are really important to me" or something. Even a small gesture, like her sending me an ecard or introducing me as her best friend to someone. She rarely did anything like that, though. In hindsight I see that she never did refer to me as her best friend ever, and that she was maybe a little uncomfortable with my words of affection. But she continued to call, and we continued to socialize, and she was always very forgiving of my tendencies, just as I always overlooked her harsh, critical and sometimes rude way of speaking. I know she's just like that and she doesn't mean it to come out that way.
A few months ago, I started noticing that she was becoming less available for social get togethers. At first it was justifiable excuses. "Jenna has some schoolwork to do" or "I'm tired and I just want to stay home", or what have you. But since we were still getting together (just not quite AS often) I felt no need to worry. But it slowly started becoming more No's than Yes's.
Now, several things seemed to happen all at once over the course of a couple months. Not really sure which ones came first, but it is safe to say that by the end of two months time or so, all of them were true. They are: Calling me less and less, to where it got to once a week MAYBE, and I usually was the one to call her. Absolutely no getting together by ourselves at all (she still does group events that I go to), occassionally texting me, but again, it was usually me initiating the texting (and this was after an entire day with no word from her at all so I'd initiate a text that was often ignored, or answered briefly a couple hours later), Jenna stopped texting Mark and seemed to push Anissa away every time she would try to hug her hello or talk with her. Jenna started "hanging out wth the teens" and ignoring Anissa, and turning her nose up at Mark. Andie also started letting my phone calls go to voice mail instead of picking up right away as he used to. I recognized this trick from when she was dumping another mutual friend of ours. This was my first sign that something was off. I often asked her if there was a problem. Did I do something wrong? Was she upset with me? Did Mark or Anissa do or say something to upset Jenna? Were the kids fighting about something? Always I got "No! What the heck are you talking about? Everything is fine!", like I was a total spaz to even be asking. I got one small indicaton once, after much pressing, that maybe Mark had hurt Jenna's feelings and I was quick to talk to him and he promptly apologized. This changed nothing. Any time I brought up anything that was bothering me she got defensive and aggitated and it ended up becoming a conflict. To me, it felt like she wanted me to pretend everything was fine no matter how obvious it was to me that it wasn't and never to utter a single uncomfortable wordp, much less allow my feelings to be hurt. And God forbid I should mention it! Eventually it became "I can't handle this conversation right now." And that was it. No discussion about felings at all.
Around this same time Andie reconciled with her former friend, Kendra. They had a falling out a couple years ago and when Kendra's grandmother died recently, Andie rushed to her side. I was jealous but said nothing. They had always had a very superficial (in my opinion) friendship, only talking about dance, and movies and tv shows, never anything deeper. And she often mentioned to me that she was never as close with Kendra as she was with me, simply because of the nature of our conversations. She also once mentioned that she would never even be friends with Kendra if it wasn't because they both have girls that dance and are the same age. At the same time Jenna and Kendra's daughter Jasmine, reconciled too (they had had a falling out as well as their Moms). Not sure if this had any bearing on anything. And for what its worth, Andie and Jenna did get together with them on one or two occassions, but they really just weren't spending much time with anyone (and still aren't). They just seemed to be talking and texting with them more than they had been.
Andie's Mom was diagnosed with cancer a while after that. And right around the same time my husband left me for not one, but THREE other women and I began a very ugly divorce, which I am currently in the middle of. She has also been having financial issues since she is a real estate agent and this economy is terrible. Seems things have gotten even worse for her over the past year.
As someone who has been there, I always tried to be sensitive to her financial issues. She seems to define herself in terms of her net worth, which is something I don't really understand. Not having money really gets her down. So I often suggested free or very minimal cost things to do. I often paid for her and Jenna to go to Broadway shows with us, movies and dinners. I bought her groceries and paid for gas for her car when she was really desperate. I gave her money on many, many occassions. And I always made it clear that she owed me nothing. I did it because I love her and Jenna, I had the funds available, I knew she needed it and I viewed our relationship as especially close, and that is just how I am with "family". I thought we were closer than sisters.
I am not sure if our personal family issues came first and the friendship started to die because of it, or if the friendship was already dying and the family issues exacerbated it. All I know is it all got to be too hard for me.
I just had to endure one of the biggest rejections of my life (my husband) and am in need of reassurance from the other relationships in my life, now more than ever before. I am the type of person that deals with crises by surrounding myself with people. I need to talk and socialize. I need to be with people who love me. And I need them to tell me so.
Andie has told me she needs the opposite. She needs to withdraw into herself and deal with her issues. I tried giving her space and tried to take her ques that she seemed to want to downgrade the friendship even though this makes me it so MY need for companionship with her doesn't get met. I tried telling her how badly I need her reassurance right now. I tried telling her that I need her now more than ever. She's been divorced twice and I could use her insight and understanding. Nothing has helped. She just kept drawing further and further away. Every phone seemed like I was such a burden and she didn't really want to talk to me. Even her body language changed with her turning her attention away from in group discussions and her avoiding sitting next to me.
The final straw came when she was "too busy", "too broke", "too stressed", or just too.....something, to make time to get together with us for Anissa's birthday. Anissa just wanted to spend some time with Jenna, who had been neglecting her as of late. We tried coming ujp with a dozen different ideas for things to do, on different dates and times surrounding her birthday, and Andie rejected every single one of them with some excuse or other. I was SO upset. It's like she just did not want to get together with just us. Then, about two weeks later another mutual friend invited us all to her daughter's birthday party and when I asked Andie if she was going her reply was simply "Of course!". Well. Of course. Of course she was going to THAT party, but she and Jenna couldn't find a way to be there for Anissa's. I was devasted and completely crushed. Anissa was upset and so was Mark and I had no idea what to do.
I decided that maybe I needed to set her free. She was giving me every indication by her actions (even though she denied it over and over again witgh her words) that she didn't want me anymore. I don't know why or what happened, but the pain of her constant rejctions was killing me. I confronted her one last time and asked her flat out if she still cared about me at all. Her reply, as much pushing on my part, was "Of course I care about you, I'm just overwhelmed". So I told her I understood, and id try harder, but that I needed something from her in return. Just a word or two of reassurance, or might not be around when our lives straightened out. In my mind, it was a last chance for her. Tell me I mean something to you, tell me you want me in your life, tell me you love, or I'm gone. About a week later, when I got nothing from her (no response) I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. I told her that our needs just weren't compatible right now. I told her I felt rejected and sad. I told her I did not want things to be this way and I asked her to talk to me if she still wanted me in her life. And I told her I was doing this because it seemed to be what she wanted. I told her I loved her and I always would, but watching our friendship die a slow death was chipping away at my heart a little every day, and that I guessed I'd rather just have it break all at once. I got NO REPLY to that e-mail.
Its been about a month and I'm miserable. This is SO NOT what I want. I thought I was special and important to her. Worth fighting for. Things are akward at the dance studio with her avoiding me and hiding in the back office with the owner. She and I have had very minimal communication. It has mostly been whenever there is a group discussion and she may address a comment or two to me directly. All having to do with dance. We have attended two group events and she even sat next to me at the movies, but it was weird. I have tried to show her by my facial expressions that I would welcome her back any time. She still maintains a closeness with my kids (who love her to pieces) and will talk to them and hug them whenever she sees them. She often asks them about things in my life that she is concerned about (my mom, my sick cat, etc.) And about things going on with me. She sometimes acts very withdrawn and at other times blurts out an animated comment to me regarding something we have done or talked about together in the past, or shoots me a look from across the room, communicating with her eyes as we used to.
I don't know what she wants. She doesn't talk about anything and its infuriating! She is so emotionally constipated and just won't talk. My gut is telling me she doesn't like this situation either. I want to talk to her. To tell her I made a mistake and try to fix things but she is so closed shut. She regularly goes weeks and even months not speaking to her sisters when they fight. And she is very stubborn. She'll hold out until her sisters contact her if she feels they are in the wrong. She may want to fix things too, but might never tell me. Or maybe she is glad not to have to deal with me and my neediness right now and just doesn't have the emotional strength to handle this issue right now. I never wanted to abandon her in her time of need, but it is my time of need too. I miss her with every fiber of my being and I have a huge gaping hole in my chest.
Is it really over? Should I try talking to her? Now? Or wait longer? Should I send her a card or try to talk in person or call her. I want her back. I never wanted her to go. I want her to take bcare of her problems how she needs to, I'm just so sad that she couldn't give me just a little of what I need. Or maybe she didn't want to. I don't know.
Can you help? |
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| Danny30317 |
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Posted : 8/1/2010 6:41:42 PM |
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| Hi Liz- I was just on here about an issue with an old friend, and I'm back with an issue among a new friend.
I have an on-going prescription for pills this friend has a particular liking to. She knows I have it, and she has asked me for one repeatedly. Her requests became desperate and addict-like. I always told her no, as I did not want to enable her problem, and I left it at that.
It has been about two months since she has asked for one. Just yesterday I noticed there was a significant number missing. I only noticed this because the last prescription was filled two weeks ago; I don't take them daily, sometimes just two/week, and there are currently four remaining! (30/month)
I have no proof it was her, but I cannot thianother possible suspect. There are even instances I can recall where she had an open opportunity to take them. This is not something that has ever crossed my mind - obviously I did nothing to prevent it - and I don't take them enough to know exactly when this started.
My main dilemma is despite the prescription pills- this is a girl I really like and we have gotten close. Her husband and my boyfriend are great friends. While I do feel violated from her invading and stealing my personal property, I realize this is a clear indicator of an addiction my gut picked up on a while ago.
After the recent fall out with an old friend - one which I am clueless for why she choose to end- I have no clue how to handle this best. I am pissed at her, but I do want to be there for her if she gets help for this. I expect her to deny, so i'm considering buying a visible, non-toxic powder made specifically to catch a thief. I can create a decoy 'pill stash' covered in the powder and see if she turns up stained. If so, she's caught red handed - and I can explain my position of providing support if she pursues help. From your experience, is this ok? I know the pain of betrayal and rejection from a 'friend' and despite her actions, that is not how I want to handle this.
Any advice is appreciated. I have no experience with addiction and things with my most recent bff ended in a complete failure. |
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| Positive KJ |
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Posted : 7/16/2010 8:09:22 PM |
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| I wanted to say how grateful I am to have found this book via my therapist. I have worked with my "best friend" across two different jobs for the last 5 years and she recently starting avoiding me like the plague at work and when I called her or texted her. I did the letter thing inquiring about her distance with me and she stated that through therapy she was making gains in her life and that my familial relationship with her was essentially too close for comfort and was dysfunctional and she didn't know about the future of our relationship but she was open to working on our professional relationship. Mind you I have spent the last few years being her personal groupie at her musical performances, driving her to the ER at 4 in the morning, loaning her money , helping her move and etc. etc. Never was this reciprocated even at 10% and now I am left feeling burned because i should have ended it a long time ago when she openly admitted that she knew she hurt my feelings all of the time to a group of our friends.It was just a relief to know that I wasn't alone and something wasn't wrong with me in feeling so devastated and confused. Even by writing this I feel less burdened with the pain and more aware of how I have treated other friends and been on the dumper end as well as the dumpee. I also recognize that people have the right to do what they need to do for their own happiness and sometimes that may be transitoning themselves out of my life but I don't need to feel the worse for the wear or bare the blame. I was also inspired like many in the book to contact old friendships that had fizzled out or ended in an abrupt manner. My hopes aren't to rekindle just to be honest and clarify with no expectations of an outcome other than to discharge that pent up angst I have carried with me for so long. So again, thank you. |
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| mia |
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Posted : 7/7/2010 12:52:57 AM |
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| Those that except its Ok you do not have to do every thing to gether or stick to a hard an fast sched. But a must to have similar budgets so you dine the places see shows ect, My friend I have traved with kids , hubands or alone 30yrs it`s been great |
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| Charlotte |
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Posted : 6/5/2010 9:52:08 AM |
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| Liz, thank you so much for your book. It's so healing to know I'm not alone. It also makes me wonder why we're so incapable of being more honest with people so intimately tied to us. How deep are our friendships really if we can't tell someone we love so much the truth or care about them enough to try to transcend the struggles, to take our friendships to a deeper level?
I wonder how much better society would be if we could learn to be honest and do it politely. How much could we all grow? How much better would life be if our friends would help us to grow and stick with us even when we're different? It seems like we've lost the ability to tolerate each other when we're not mirror images and maybe that explains to some degree the strong divisiveness that exists in our political sphere. We need to learn to accept and love each other again for being human, through all the transitions life takes us through.
Your book was excellent and I loved it! Read it in two sittings! Thank you so much for writing it and for healing so many of us who have suffered these struggles.
May your own friendships be lasting, beautiful, honest, and healing. :-) |
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| Danny30317 |
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Posted : 5/24/2010 7:40:08 PM |
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| Hi Liz-
Thank you so much for the book. I have been searching for insight and perspective on friendship endings, and your book is the only valueable information I have found. Almost two years ago my former bff dropped me without any form of aknowledgement. We have seen each other a handful of times since the initial blow-off, but we never discussed the problem. Every time I invite her somewhere, she avoids me all over again. However, I do accept her invites, and on these occassions she always says it's been too long and we should get together more often. This contradiction has exhausted me. A birthday wish to her was my last form of attempted contact, and she ignored it. I can't put myself through the rejection and torture any longer. I have deleted her contact information. This does not have me feeling any better nor does it provide a sense of closure I have hoped for. It still causes pain and makes me sad. I think about our former friendship constantly, and I want more than anything to just get this out of my head, but I'm not sure how to do so.
Your book gave me the confidence to open up about this situation to other girlfriends, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I had no clue how common this is, but it is still so very painful. |
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| strazivarius |
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Posted : 5/2/2010 10:28:49 PM |
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| Can anyone answer this for me? I had a best friend (A) who dropped me one day with no explanation (and followed it up with lots of glaring and catty behavior). Recently, she has become close friends with a friend of mine (B). B would go on and on about how great A is, and finally I told her that it really makes me uncomfortable to hear about it because of how things ended. Now, B and I make plans to go out, and she brings A along. I told her I didn't mind their friendship, but I don't want to be in a situation like that again. Tonight, B brought A to a dinner we had planned, and sent me a text, "Just to let you know, A is coming". Every time she has done this, she plays innocent and dumb, she says, "Well, A says you're nice and she says she doesn't have a problem with you". Meanwhile, I can tell that A is uncomfortable to be there as well. Is it all some sort of game??
HELP
2 questions:
1) Is B doing this on purpose, and if so, why? What's she getting out of it?
2) What should I do?
Thanks for letting me rant. All advice is appreciated. |
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| Catface |
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Posted : 4/22/2010 1:28:46 PM |
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| Can anyone give me some insight on this one? Over the past three years, I have become good friends with the mom of one of my youngest daughter's friends. We have much in common (we both have professional, established careers, we are both "older" moms, we share similar upbringing, etc.) and seemed to hit it off right away. Over the past few years, we've done things together, with the kids, and with both families. Over the last few months, however, the mom has been avoiding my overtures to get together with the kids or just by ourselves. Always "too busy" with soccer, birthday parties, etc. Well, we are busy, too, but I have always made time for her. I do have other friends, but I am hurting over being dumped. Am I wrong to try to make friends with my kids' friends' moms? This (dumping) has happened before. |
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| Ms. Mala |
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Posted : 3/19/2010 8:00:46 AM |
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| MY BFF of ten years just disappeared out of no where. I am beside myself. Found your book Liz and it is has given me great comfort. How do people do this without a word. It blows my mind. Thank all the women that ocme on here and share their stories its helpful. |
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| Randee |
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Posted : 3/3/2010 11:26:13 PM |
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| Hoping there will be more rants on friends, am going through something rough as well and could use a boost! |
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| Randee |
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Posted : 3/3/2010 10:38:06 PM |
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| Miss my BFF like mad right now, had a spat, lost my temper, said IWas soryy and nad now for 34 days. Is it really over ya'll? |
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| Lara |
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Posted : 2/7/2010 11:25:59 AM |
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| Are we ever too o;d for the term BFF I'm caught between 2 really good friends of mine fighting for the position of BFF in my life, isnt this wehre labels begin to suck? |
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| GalPal |
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Posted : 1/28/2010 7:34:08 AM |
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| Hi Liz, First, thank you for your book. Thought I was going out of my mind with how obsessed I was when my girlfriend of 34 years unceremoniously dumped me. While it doesn't make the hurt go away, it makes me feel less embarrassed by the whole thing to know that so many others have experienced the same thing. And now I'm going to bore you with my story (must be your millionth). Thought it might be cathartic for me and possibly offer another insight into why friendships break down. So... this friend of mine - I'll call her Gabby - and I were friends from our first year in college and roomates until I married. I guess we were inseparable during that time. Gabby had a boyfriend and I was always loving some guy who didn't love me back. So that was the roles we were in. She was the one offering advice and support and I was the receiver. What did I offer in return? Well, honestly, I'm not sure. But, apparently, that worked for us (I realize I am totally simplifying this for expediency sake; there are many other layers to this). Fast forward 11 years to my marriage and then children. All of a sudden Gabby is nowhere to be found. When I called her on it, she gave me some lame excuse about how my husband had turned her away when I was in the hospital having my first child. Not even something I knew about or had control of. Really, I think it boiled down to our change in roles. I was the happy, secure one with a hubby and kids and she was in the yukky dating unsuccessfully phase. She couldn't (maybe We couldn't) readjust.
There's 20 more years history in this but I think the thing here is that sometimes a friendship is built on your maintaining certain roles and can't survive when one or both of you try to change. |
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| Sammy |
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Posted : 1/20/2010 11:08:40 AM |
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| Liz my bff has gained an enormous amount of weight in the last two years. Over 100 pounds. Weird thing is we dont talk about it. I mean I think she is in the kind of denial that can get so out of control..Do I bring it up or shut up? |
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| barefoothappy |
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Posted : 1/12/2010 1:27:53 PM |
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| Is anyone else just exhausted from trying to make friends? I have 2 really awesome close friends, but they both live 1000 miles away. I have 4 small kids and I really miss having female friendships locally. My kids miss having playmates. I feel like I've put myself out there and tried to be careful about not coming on too strong. I've especially appealed to women that might be in similar situations as myself (SAHM, homeschooler, big families, etc.) But the best I get is "OH, we should get together sometime!" (but never returns my calls). I've even had women make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute (again and again). Am I doing something wrong? Maybe it's just that other potential mom-friends are just too busy with their own kids and their already-established friendships. I've moved around a lot and lost a lot of friends just due to distance. I'm 29 and I feel like most people my age aren't looking for friendships because they already have all the friends they want. I've even thought about Craigslist, but that seems a little desperate (even for me, hehe). Any thoughts? |
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| Caley |
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Posted : 1/11/2010 5:46:21 PM |
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| LIZ help, my poor mom is going through a group iceing as you call it in your book. None of her friends will call her back, she is so upset I have no idea what happened but she cries all the time, my Dad is at the end of his rope we dont know what to do to help her. I tried giving her your book but she is too raw to even acknowlege that this will be her outcome. Any tips? |
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| Lola |
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Posted : 12/23/2009 11:20:15 AM |
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| What a tough time of year to be at odds with the BFF its worse than with my husband! : ( |
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| LULU5 |
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Posted : 11/7/2009 11:11:58 PM |
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| Couldnt help wanting to write Liz I finally go around to reading your book. MAde me feel so much more at ease with the tumult I've had in my friendships, esepcially one in particular. Thank you for the job you are doing here for all of us.
Peace out. |
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| PjDj |
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Posted : 10/31/2009 8:11:38 PM |
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| Great stuff in here, very helpful. I am a victim at the moment of a falling out,m but I have no idea why? Yes Liz I do feel like a loser, sad mad and confused alla t the same time. I know, I can;t get too down on myself but I do. Thanks for the laughs, and let me know when the comes avaiable a medicine to help us through ended friendships! |
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| Makita |
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Posted : 10/18/2009 12:41:22 AM |
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| Sorry ALP I meant to say if you feel resentment towards this friend - try to find out why. If its because she is doing things to upset you, then talk to her. If this is the case then let the friendship cool for a while. Sorry about the spelling, its 9am in England on a Sunday morning after the night before. lol Take care. |
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| Makita |
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Posted : 10/17/2009 1:13:38 AM |
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| After losing two close friendships - we were like sisters - or so I thought, just under 18months ago. I have learnt never try to hang onto a friendship. Especially when friends move to marriage and children. When this happens - wish them well and then say goodbye. |
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| hotmama |
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Posted : 10/13/2009 12:12:05 PM |
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| I no what you mean ALP, right now I want to drop kick my bff. My problem is I think, that it always boils down to jealousy...is that so over confident of me? But its true, I need strong confident friends, and I a;ways seem to choose the insecure shallow ones. |
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| ALP |
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Posted : 10/5/2009 8:35:16 PM |
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| Slight;y hating my BFF right now, is that normal? Should we just take a chill for a bit like every year or so? I prefer not to get into the drama and little things, just sick of her right now. |
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 9/3/2009 4:31:55 PM |
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| Hey ,What do I do---Well, I know what you mean...and so do a lot of other women. First off, there is someting so crazy making about this situation, what I have learned across the board-for sure, is that we women really put weight in the history of a friendhsip. SOOOOO many people talk about how much their historical friends get away with in their friendships, that a newer friend with the same behavior would be OUT. Here is what I think you might have to do. Good --on the pros and cons list thing...but heres the truth, we are scared to let such a long friendship go, why? maybe because there is such value in history. They know you so well they've lived through so much of your life with you, no back explaining etc...but sometimes, the destruction does win, and somehow you will know when that is. Often these friendships will sever and then re-emerge with time. If you think your done, maybe dont look at it it as lifetime-over, just for now over, that often helps people, Or try and fix it, if you think you can,,,you must try, but you probablly want to do one or the other!
Let me know how it pans out, and for more, e-mail me on the site at contact Liz.
Cheers!
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| What did I do? |
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Posted : 9/2/2009 5:03:12 PM |
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| How do you get over a friendship that for years has been so good - but lately has been so bad? I wrote a pro's and cons list - and the only thing on the pro side was history! So why do I feel I need to maintain this destructive (to me anyway) friendship? |
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| glamkin |
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Posted : 8/31/2009 3:13:12 PM |
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| carefeul there sherrigirl-I thought the same thing and didnt say a word to my friend, thought I should let it play out, and let me tell you, eventually she found out I KNEW, and she has not spoken to me since. I tried telling her mymins the word theory, not getting on business etc...and she tore me apart in an e mail saying if I were my idea of a friend she cant imagine what a non-friend might be. I regret it now, not telling her. But you learn, and I did learn. Good luck to all ! |
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| Tilly |
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Posted : 8/24/2009 8:21:40 PM |
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| Where did you hear her on the radio? I wanted to say I am having so much trouble pinning down a good friend of mine to do anything. Is she trying to blow me off? Or is she just really busy, how do i tell. And this isnt the first time I have had this issue with a female friend. |
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| Moll Doll |
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Posted : 8/23/2009 1:23:19 PM |
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| Liz! Heard you on the radio yesterday and thought you were just fantastic! What a fresh new voice- finally someone us fabulous women can relate to! Hope to hear much more from you... God knows the world needs more Liz! XO |
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| sherrigirl |
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Posted : 8/23/2009 10:58:51 AM |
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| Hi..commenting on whether to tell the best friend about the cheating other half.
I figure what happens will eventually come around and bite that person (cheater) in the butt eventually. I would opt to not say a word...it would kill me to not say anything but I think it would be better in all the interest of everyone concerned. Cheater will get found out eventually..... OR the friend will notice peculiar behavior herself and then I might *might* chime in then with only PART of what I know..either way it is damn if you do and damn if you don't....it is a very tricky situation and one that I would not want to be in. Friend would be upset if you did not tell them...but if you tell them the friend will be upset anyway and you could possibly end up losing your good friend over a cheating butthead.
Mums the word for me....until the friend starts seeing things for herself...then be there to support her. |
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| Overthehill |
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Posted : 8/23/2009 9:26:08 AM |
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| Great Scott girl I ---- was listening to the radio with my daughter, you need to get yourself out in the world. Women need this, they need a solid sound set of eyes, a little old fashioned wisdom to help when the track gets off. KJeep it up, and will you be on the Hollywood confidential every week? WE HOPE SO! |
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| Iris |
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Posted : 8/23/2009 9:15:30 AM |
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| Hi Liz, Just heard you on the radio. Thank you for creating a place such as this, we need it. I also have issue with my friends dropping off and claiming they just need space. I read you idea;s for ladyinwaiting and it really made me think. Sometimes you just need a little persepective and thats what you;ve given, Thank you. |
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 8/22/2009 3:19:43 PM |
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| Hey Lady in waiting-
Thanks for writing in, what you describe is so often asked, I'd like to try and assist best I can. The friend you talk about in this experience makes me think how baffleing it is when women describe this same scenerio...Do you think she says she misses you perhaps because she feels guilty and doesnt know what to say? Or she thinks she will be able to reconnect and then realizes she can't or won't? ISsthe intention a good one? I think so, does it matter if she cannot follow through? No, it sucks is what I think, good intentions so often are followed with disappointment. I would love it if you could step back for a seconed from this and see that you have to really lower your expectations of this friend, she can't be the good friend you are, and she somehow believes she can get away with what she's doing...therein lies where you come in. Have you ever let her know how you feel? Sometimes people are so self involved they truly forget to imagine their effect on others. No judgement ...that is just a fact. You sound terrific, I think you need to open your eyes really wide to the women you choose to have in your life, there are so many gems like you out there, you just need to learn how to spot 'em, All of us seem to take on roles in friendship, and maybe you have become used to the "oh thats okay" role, which is beginnning to hurt you, dont question yourself here, you have clearly done nothing wrong, put your self and your feelings in a place where you stand behind them, support them and protect them from people who cannot do that for you. Let me know if this helps. Cheers! |
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| Ladynwaiting |
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Posted : 8/20/2009 4:43:40 PM |
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| I had a really good friend and we shared a lot together...but then life got really crazy on her end and I needed to give her her space..so I did. then she comes to me after months of no contact and tells me how much she misses me and wants us to reconnect...however evry time I called she was too busy for me..so it was the same ol same ol. So I just backed off again...it hurts every time she tells me she misses me cause I never went any where...I have always been here when she 's needed me...but I dont get tthat in return. Most of my friendships end up this way...what am I doin wrong? |
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| Amanda |
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Posted : 8/12/2009 6:59:51 PM |
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| Liz, thanks for the answer to the question atop here. Good to think about all our options. Funny how well we think we know eachother and then a little info like on your friends guy can screw it all up. I told a friend once something about her husband and will forever regret it. She told him, they both didnt speak to me for a long time when all the while it was true what I'd said. People see and even hear what they wanna hear, and you never know.
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 8/11/2009 10:31:09 AM |
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| Hi Beanhead- Well, you state that you were clear with her at the beginning that you wre not looking for a BFF right? And then life happens and you become really close- do you think her not being really open all this time has finally gotten to you? Perhaps somewhere in here you did become more than just a casual friend with her, and feel that she is not reciprocating-- The fact that you work with this friend puts this in a whole new category-and is the most challenging. I would say you need to have a conversation with her, but that can be really hard for us. Here's the question, if she were able to open up and trust you would you want her in your life? If yes, then this will take some risk and hope. You have to somehow clear the air for work purposes. Sounds to me like she really may respond to an open conversation. If you dont want to talk about this with her, then you will have to navigate your feelings and thoughts to a safe sort of benign place to keep the thick air at work clear, which can be really hard. If you'd like you can write in to the contact Liz mail on the site and we can get more specific on what to say etc...Let me know your thoughts! And thanks for sharing. |
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| beanhead |
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Posted : 8/9/2009 3:28:10 PM |
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| I have been friends with someone for a little over 2 years now. We have a lot in common and have had a lot of fun in the past 2 years. We also work together so our fun continues while we are working as well. I had just lost a best friend right before her and I started to hang out so I was clear we were just work friends but 2 years later, obviously we have become quite close. In the past few weeks I feel that the friendship is definitely coming to a close. She has been spending her time with people I have never clicked with and she has been being extremely secretive about every aspect of her life, something she has always done but after 2 years you would think she could trust me to share more personal things with me. Anyways, its been really bothering me that she has something going on with her but she won't talk to me about it, I can't take pretending to be a friend of hers if she can't reciprocate the same respect. It's an awful situation and it is making it hard to be at work with her. She has told me that she doesn't trust a lot of people and that she has issues with trusting others but i'm the last person she should feel would betray her. is it worth saving a friendship that i feel has no trust? |
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| piecesoflove |
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Posted : 8/4/2009 10:26:26 AM |
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| Seriously good option I think Liz. I would have told this woman Anne to TELL her friend, immediately but the more I think about it the more I think yes it could lead to a serious %$# storm. What if her friend didnt believe her or something, what if the cheater lied and said he didnt and Anne wanted to believe him etc..Please Anne let us know what happens. |
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 8/3/2009 11:43:33 PM |
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| This question comes from Bree in upstate New York.
Bree, here is what I'm thinking. Yes very tough situation. Some might say ,of course you tell your friend right now. Others may disagree and feel this is a situation that could lead to difficulties later on a lot of fronts. Here is what I'm going to say. I have indeed heard variations of this question more than a few times before. Here's a third option that I've seen work. You could go to the finace, himself. Call him, meet him for coffee whatever, but get to him. Present what you know and immediatley follw that with the fact that you don't want him to say a word to you about it, It is not your business you dont want to know. Then quickly tell him you will give him 2 days to tell your friend what it is you know. If he doesn't tell her in that time, you will.
This is a reasonable option because there is a chance this way to take you out of the middle, a chance that as the messenger you won't be killed. A chance for Mr. cheater to have to come clean. And then from there you can live guilt-free and the truth is out. If he doesn't tell her, you must. And those are my 3 cents on this question. Anyone have any ideas? Experiences, luck with this kind of mess? |
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| REBA |
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Posted : 8/1/2009 6:04:37 PM |
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| know how you feel bookworm went through it recently. REally bad, shockingly so. I've just gotten to a place after months of obsessing over my ex best friend where I can go a whole day wothout thinking about it. Just wish it didnt make us question ourselves so much thats what Liz's book talks about. How so often it is the friend who is going through something we dont even know about, maybe its not us? |
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| Bookworm |
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Posted : 7/28/2009 10:13:58 PM |
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| Am presently going through a horrible brak up with a good good friend. Dont know why this is so painful. Can't seem to get it out of my head, when is this going to lighten for me. Just got Liz's book hope to find solace, relief something. Any tips out there? |
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| Riley |
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Posted : 7/27/2009 7:59:23 AM |
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| I know it may sound stupid, but have you tried looking at the ads and signs where you live for things like book clubs, kid and parent classes or hobbies such as cooking or traveling? A lot of people are lloking for friends I think. |
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| KALEY R |
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Posted : 7/24/2009 3:27:42 PM |
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| I am looking for new friends. So many of the friends I've had have drifted away, I dont know if its me or just bad luck. Where I live there are not many ways for me to figure out how to meet new friends and ideas? |
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| Petaluma Gal |
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Posted : 7/20/2009 8:07:52 PM |
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| I think you need to state before you leave for a trip that if one of you wants to do something and the other wants to do something else, that that's totally cool. Marni, as for one-sided friendships, there's no such thing. I learned after 10 years that there is friendship, which is reciprocal, and there's a long-term acquaintance. When the other person isn't reaching out, calling back or she needs you only when she wants to vent or get something from you, recognize it for what it is and what it isn't. It's certainly not a friendship. |
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| oklahomagirl |
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Posted : 7/19/2009 7:21:03 PM |
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| Standing here in the middle of a bad situation with 2 friends/ They are at war, a silent war, and both are trying to use me as the go between. Can I just plead the 5th? I dont feel as though I would be good to either of them I'm too close to it, but it leaves me sad and wondering why we cant get over things with each other more easily? |
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| Remy99 |
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Posted : 7/19/2009 9:27:16 AM |
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| One sided friendship the term itself is just wrong. Friendship means two sides, it its not that way it should be called something else. I have the greatest single friend in the world I've known since I was a kid, she is my gauge for others. IF I dont feel good, and reciprocated I dont spend much time. I like the way my good friends make me feel about who I am and what I have to offer. I'm too old to play the I give more than you give game, blow her off. |
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| hollygolightly |
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Posted : 7/16/2009 3:31:46 PM |
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| There are times when I think most all my friendships are like that. Is it because our friends expect us to keep the contact? Of is it becasue they dont care. I;ve tested this before and eventually they'll call, but it should be more of a two-way effort, |
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| marni |
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Posted : 7/15/2009 8:55:53 AM |
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| anyone have a one sided friendship?
if you dont call them, you NEVER hear from them?
is this really a friendship?
or should we let it fade away
just wondering |
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| Laura |
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Posted : 7/14/2009 3:46:00 PM |
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| Trinny - yup - that's what I do. I sort of BS my around it when it comes up - but I think you're right. I'm sure she knows on some level - I would if I was married to such an A**hole :) |
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| Trinny |
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Posted : 7/14/2009 12:56:36 PM |
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| pony tail laura-I'm with you, dont tell her, but she probablly knows, or suspects its something close to that you dont like the jerk! Especially if you still see her often without the guys. |
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| Trinny |
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Posted : 7/14/2009 12:54:17 PM |
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| Jessie, How long has it been ? This happened to me as well, and coincidentally it was VEGAS also. That was 5 months ago, the frinedhsip came to an end, but then started up a little a time since. When I think about it, it wasnt just what went on in Vegas, we had some big problems we both have ignored along the way for years, ring true for you? |
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| Laura |
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Posted : 7/13/2009 12:31:44 AM |
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| Lioness... same situation here. My BFF recently confronted me on why we never "double-date". It took everything I had to just say to her... DUH... we hate your arrogant, narcissistic, selfish prick of a husband... The sad thing is we live 5 houses away from each other! I really don;'t know what to do about it. I think just saying it would really come between us. |
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Posted : 7/12/2009 9:33:41 PM |
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| It is interesting that this should be a topic. I recently lost a good friend after a trip to Vegas went so very wrong. It still stings. |
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| Fab Laura |
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Posted : 7/12/2009 9:39:12 AM |
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| I have traveled with my BFF and I have to say the adventure was an absolute dream! You must make sure that your travel friends are on the exact same page as you........ |
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| sweetness |
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Posted : 7/12/2009 8:34:58 AM |
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| interesting in that over the years
i have found some of my friends husbands to be more forthright open real
not as complicated as my girlfriends
i guess what i am saying is i have learned to tolerate my friends and really prefer the company of the husbands!
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Posted : 7/11/2009 10:10:15 PM |
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| Doesnt everyone have one? My situation is tough because I don't fake it and not say anything. my BFF's husband is a selfish jerk and always was. She seems to accept the idea that I can't stand him, but does stop me when I wanta go off on him. I think you gotta remember, its not you married to the guy (thank god) I only have to tolerate him in short doses. We've been friends for 25 years and it hasnt gotten in our way, would it be better if she was married to a good guy I liked? YEAH |
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 7/11/2009 8:34:24 AM |
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| THANK YOU see this is so helpful got aseveral letters from women who didnt join in on this but read the travel stuff and really appreciate it! Now, theres been a lot of inquiry about firends who dont seem to get on with husbands. Hmmm, I lived that until recently :) this can be so dificult, anyone not like their friends husband, or have a friend they know doesnt care for your man? Tough line to walk!
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Posted : 7/10/2009 11:56:27 PM |
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| I think if you are planning to go away with another family, you must remember that we all have different likes and dislikes! With that said, you have to be tolerant of noise from kids,especially not your own and just go with the flow!!*Remember you must have liked something about the family your traveling with :-) LOL
P.S.-If you can rent a BIG place to spread out, that helps. |
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Posted : 7/10/2009 9:32:08 AM |
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| Three things determine which friend(s) I am able to travel with ..... expectations, compromise, independence,. Before the trip we basically have to have the same expectations. (If you don't like to gamble, then we had better choose a different trip than Las Vegas) But realize, one must be able to compromise, She/they may want to do certain things that are not a priority to me and vise versa. Yet, we have to be able to allow for some independence. If one of us absolutely wants to do something the other is not keen on, hey, it';s ok. Either do it together without regret or allow the other to spend a few hours apart.. Example, I wanted to go hot air ballooning, she did not. After being there when I landed and seeing my excitement and wish to do it again, she decided to join me. What fabulous memories, |
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 7/10/2009 12:51:31 AM |
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| Hi All- yes Maureen at comcast I did an interview for self magazine on traveling with friends...what I bascially said might be helpful ---is for the two women to speak beforehand about their expectations, bringing the family or not, once you sort out what the trip might look like to you, and then your friend says something entirely different you can avoid before you even depart some opf the issues that might come up while there. And then of course living with anyone for a week or so theres alsways a risk of eruption....I love the 3 day rule thank you EmmaC We should stick to that until we find the family or friend with who we can imagine traveling longer. |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 3:30:47 PM |
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| I think friends on holiday is tough. Really hard and particularly if you both have kids as parenting rules differ, kids only get on for a certain amount of time, no answer for it, as tough! 3 days is a good amount of time - like fish it goes off after 3 days - but 3 days everyone leaves on a high! |
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| tiredmom |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 12:45:25 PM |
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| i think there is a big difference btwn travelling with a friend vs travelling with another family much more difficult with families to many dynamics in action adds to stress |
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| tiredmom |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 12:45:22 PM |
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| i think there is a big difference btwn travelling with a friend vs travelling with another family much more difficult with families to many dynamics in action adds to stress |
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| maureen@comcast.com |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 11:10:47 AM |
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| I think you need to be really careful. I lost a great friendship after traveling for a week with another family. I think Liz wrote something on this I read somewhere.???
Liz do a lot of women struggle with the traveling with friends thing? |
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| Lila |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 9:46:32 AM |
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| i do remember going away with my family and a friend (and her family)
we didn't know them sooo well but liked them lots
well she turned into psycho mary tyler moore control freak!!!!!!!!!
just a bummer trip for us!
we are still friends, but no more trips! |
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| Lila |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 9:43:49 AM |
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| it has to be your totally "sympatico" friend.
the one that you have most in common with
both like late nights tidy kitchens easy going with kids etc
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| Lila |
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Posted : 7/9/2009 9:18:25 AM |
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| well it is like dating .... you dont really know until you are in it
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Posted : 7/9/2009 9:18:16 AM |
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| well it is like dating .... you dont really know until you are in it
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| LIZ |
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Posted : 7/7/2009 11:45:43 AM |
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| Can anyone try and explain their own recipe for the perfect friend to travel with? I ask because so often I hear of friendships completely falling out after having traveled together. There has to be a few solid requirments by which we could all stand to help in determinding if certain friends are recipes for disaster when traveling??? |
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Got some thoughts about any of the DAILY LIFE RANTS? SPILL IT! We want to hear what you have to say. Have some crazy stuff going on in your life? Let us in on it!
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Always been single or you’re new to the scene… Single is single! Meeting someone never feels easy. But that must begin with us right? With our attitude-what we want-what we desire- what we deserve. |
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After hearing many of state, you know where you might be able to meet someone, the question seems now to lie more in the “how” of it. How do we feel confident, sexy, worthy. How do we feel… Scope-able? |
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I think we should start by making a list for ourselves of the things we might need to feel more in the scoping zone. Maybe we sit down with a pen and paper and jot down what it is we’re looking for, like a dating grocery list. |
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| You know how it makes it so much easier to shop with a list? Maybe the same applies here. And then we ask ourselves are we really prepared? Maybe we want to consider what we’re getting before we go to get it…get it? |
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| If we were to see what appears to be the perfect guy for us standing somewhere do we have what it takes to notice, to approach, to respond? If so what is that, is it confidence? If not what is that? Are we chicken, are we in denial, do we love misery, do we secretly love being single. Lets figure it out. |
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Dear Liz, |
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| This is such a tough position to be in, A good friend of mine’s (I’ll call her “Anne”) boyfriend/fiancé has been spending a lot of time with my sisters best friend. He has no idea that I know this girl. The other day I learned they were going away for a weekend together. When I spoke to my friend she told me her fiancé would be working all weekend did we want to hang out. I don’t want to get in the middle, I wish I didn’t know this. |
| What would you say to do Tell her, stay out of it, I don’t know. |
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"We talked a few weeks ago about a new book that states one third of marriages are sexless...and after reading all of your candid comments it appears the book wasn’t so far off. Many of you expressed that not a lot of sex is happening at home for one reason or another...and a few of you suggested ways to keep that spark going...So when I recently read an article in the August issue of Glamour magazine entitled "The Taboo Sex Trick 53% of Women have Tried" - I thought I have to share, and see if you guys think it’s taboo? or true? |
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| Brace yourselves, and I’m just reporting what I’ve read here. |
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| According to the 'Glamour' article, for the first time ever, the number of women in the US who say they use or have tried a vibrator has topped 50% (so says a recent study at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. And sex experts say it's a good thing... In fact the article states that in 2008 women spent nearly $80 million at Pure Romance Parties (kind of like Tupperware for sex toys) So ...what gives? $80 million sure could buy a lot of shoes – Why are we buying sex toys… because we are in sexless relationships? Or to try and put fire in our old flame?? |
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| View Full Article |
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| SEX, LOVE & LIFE July 01, 2009 by Jen Matlack |
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We can learn so much from each other. Let it rip!
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Welcome new mom’s! It’s a whole new world I know. Come in- Connect, commiserate, ask questions, or just sit back and view. |
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